Essential Holiday Do’s and Don’ts for Foster Kids

The holiday season can be both exciting and challenging for foster youth. While it’s Christmastime and that can mean gifts, many children in foster care remain separated from their biological parents or other family members, which causes anxiety, stress, and sadness. Many children (about 1 in 4) deal with PTSD during their foster care history, and those struggles don’t disappear during the holidays.

READ MORE: Supporting Kids in Foster Care During the Holidays

During this difficult time, foster parents, adoptive parents, and foster families play a vital role in creating a supportive environment for holiday celebrations for their foster children. Knowing how to approach children and being sensitive to their needs creates a loving and supportive environment that can help them through the holidays.

Do: Prepare Foster Youth Ahead of Time

Before holiday events begin, talk with your foster child about what to expect. Explain who will be present at any events, and be considerate about their needs. Ask if they would be comfortable being around large crowds, unfamiliar adults, strangers, or even people of the opposite sex. If not, you can adjust your plans by either not attending or hosting a party, or arranging for an alternative activity while they are happening.

“I’m planning a few dinners between our families and our kids’ families. I’ve hosted multiple bio families at once. We make it work; shortening or extending a visit to accommodate, etc. We also do our household Christmas halfway through January to avoid more holiday stress on the kids and give them a re-do holiday if things don’t go well. You figure out what chaos works for you.” –Willow, Foster Parent

Don’t: Ignore Emotional Struggles

The holidays can be especially difficult for foster kids. Feelings of sadness, guilt, or frustration are normal. Avoid brushing off or minimizing their feelings. It’s easy to say that they “just need to cheer up” or persuade them that the holidays aren’t for feeling sad.

Instead, let them feel. Stay calm, listen, provide support, and help them cope with challenges in a compassionate way. Avoid asking personal questions about their past, and don’t be surprised if their hurt translates into anger instead of sadness. Anger can feel safer than being vulnerable, and lashing out is very common for children going through emotional struggles like PTSD.

READ MORE: 6 Tips for Being Mindful of Trauma During the Holidays

Therapy techniques (if advised by a licensed professional) like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), active listening, and other coping techniques can all be used to help work through their hurt in healthy ways.

“I have such profound loneliness around the holidays. I don’t have a mother or father, or siblings. I’m so frustrated that this feeling comes around every year, and anyone I speak with about it just doesn’t understand. They can call their families, they have relationships with their families—the hugs, the acceptance, the loving without condition. I wish I could just turn it off so I wouldn’t be such a bother.” – Sharae, 18

Do: Include Their Traditions

Every foster youth comes from a unique family background with their own customs and ways of celebrating. Small gestures like favorite foods, watching movies, or decorations can make a foster child feel valued and respected.

READ MORE: Heri za Kwanzaa! How to Celebrate Kwanzaa with Your Foster Child

Ask about the traditions that are important to them and incorporate these into holiday celebrations, including any religious or family traditions they would like to do this year, such as White Elephant gift exchanges or gatherings with friends.

READ MORE: How to Celebrate Passover with Children in Foster Care

Help them plan out dates for these events, or help them find time to spend away from noise or parties if they’d prefer that. Let them know the game plan ahead of time and what to anticipate to reduce their anxiety and help them feel more comfortable.

“My foster parents made sure I could still celebrate traditions from my biological family. It meant a lot to me that they did that. It felt like they were really doing what they could for me, and that made me feel important. ” – Iliana, 12

Some foster children need moments of quiet to process the holidays. Respect their need for personal space and allow flexibility in holiday plans. Simple activities like a quiet walk or one-on-one time can help them navigate emotional ups and downs.

Don’t: Make Them Feel Unequal or Unwelcome

Foster youth may worry about being seen as outsiders. Avoid actions that highlight differences or make a child feel like a burden. Instead, ensure they are included in every gift-giving, holiday activity, and family event, helping them feel like an equal part of the family.

“We typically spend roughly the same dollar amount on [our foster kids] as we do our biological children on Christmas. We do what we think is best for the kids.” –Vanessa, Foster Parent

Do: Facilitate Connections with Loved Ones

Whenever possible, help foster kids maintain relationships with siblings, biological parents, relatives, and supportive friends. Arrange visits, calls, or video chats to keep connections alive. Feeling linked to a broader support network can provide comfort during the holiday season.

“During Thanksgiving, I realized just how much I missed my mom’s cooking despite how bad a cook she was. She always made things I liked: turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potato, pumpkin pie….but in my [foster homes], I didn’t like the food they made. I didn’t want to be grateful but it just wasn’t the same without my mom’s food. I really would have appreciated one dish just for me.” –Emory, 14

Don’t: Forget Aged-Out/Former Foster Youth

The holidays can also be difficult for youth aging out of foster care. A phone call, card, or small gift can remind former foster youth that they are remembered and valued. Maintaining connections supports mental health and reduces feelings of isolation.

“My kids have lived with me 4 years after aging out (19 and 21). They show up for holiday dinners and they come when they want to and often ask if they can bring close friends and family for dinner. We welcome them whenever and are glad to have them over because they’re family.” –Laura, Foster Parent

Do: Support Giving and Volunteering

Encourage foster youth to participate in acts of kindness, such as making gifts, donating to toy drives, or volunteering. These experiences help children feel empowered, develop empathy, and connect with the community during a season that can feel isolating.

Final Thoughts

Understanding the experiences of former foster youth can help foster parents understand the holiday do’s and don’ts for foster kids. Incorporating traditions, customs, and ideas from a foster child’s biological family can create a sense of belonging and make holidays more meaningful.

The holiday season can be both joyful and challenging for foster youth. By talking openly, respecting feelings, honoring traditions, and fostering connections, foster parents and foster families can create an environment where children feel seen, included, and valued. Compassion, empathy, and flexibility go a long way in making the holidays brighter for every child in foster care.