Real Advice to Help a Foster Child Feel Comfortable on Their First Night

The first night in a new home can be overwhelming for a foster child. They’ve been through a lot and are suddenly expected to sleep in a stranger’s house, surrounded by unfamiliar faces, smells, and routines. If you’re wondering how to help a foster child feel comfortable, the most important thing to remember is this: slow things down, don’t overwhelm them, and focus on connection, not control.

Many foster parents, former foster youth, and supporters chimed in on @fostertheteens’ post, which shared some great reminders for how to handle the first night with a foster child.

Advice From Brittany Collins aka @fostertheteens

1. Don’t ask them to explain why they’re in foster care.

“I already have basic info from the placement worker, I don’t need the teen to rehash it for me. It’s their story to tell if and when they want to.”

2. Skip the “How are you?”

“They are at a stranger’s house and away from their family so…probably not great.”

3. Don’t jump into house rules.

“There’s plenty of time to do that later. Let them decompress and not have to memorize a bunch of rules. One night of shoes on the furniture isn’t a big deal.”

@fostertheteens

What NOT to talk about that first night. What would you add? #fostercare #fostertheteens

♬ I Can See You (Taylor’s Version) (From The Vault) – Taylor Swift

What Others Shared About That First Night

People with foster care experience or similar backgrounds offered their own advice for how to help a foster child feel comfortable in our comments section:

Offer Access to Snacks:
“Basic things like ‘here are the snacks and you’re welcome to it.‘ Foster kids may have experienced food restrictions or insecurities, so eating somewhere new or even saying that they are hungry or thirsty can be super uncomfortable.”

“Asking their favorite fast food, snacks—allowing them to just decompress.”

Write Things Down:
“Write them down so they can remember and don’t have to ask again later. also definitely let them keep their phone if they came with one, and just don’t take away things that they arrived with since they likely have those things for a reason”

Introduce Your Furry Friends:
“If you have pets you should introduce [them] to your pets on the first night because I know when I was in foster care animals really helped me but do it slowly in case they’re afraid of the animal.”

Avoid the Shower Talk:
“I know this might not always be possible, but showering or cleaning up/changing clothes. I HATED walking into someone’s house and they start harping me about the shower. I wasn’t a dirty kid like that, but often I just wanted to lay down and be alone for the night. Plus sometimes you just feel uncomfortable about it. Idk, maybe it’s not an issue with foster kids, it’s just something I remember appreciating, when I wasn’t forced right into a strange shower and put in different clothes.”

Morning Routines:
“What they can expect in the morning. For example, what time do you as the foster parent usually get up? What is the foster child expected to do if they wake up before that time? What is the expectation for breakfast (whole family sit down, or get yourself whatever you want whenever you feel like it?). Are they allowed to use the TV or read one of the books in the living room while they wait for you to get up? Do they know where the breakfast options are and how to use appliances like the microwave or toaster oven? What should they do with their dishes after they’re done with them? Part of that will obviously be age dependent, but especially when talking about older children and teens they may feel more comfortable if they can get themselves breakfast.”

Be Real With Them:
“When our teenager was placed with us, we picked him up in the morning from the group home… That night we explained to him that having him in our house was as awkward for us as it was for him. I said we’re all on the same team and we’ll all get through this together.”

Show Them You’re Their Advocate
“I cannot express how frustrating it is to go into a crisis/mental health meeting and be asked ‘How are you feeling?’ Like… OBVIOUSLY, not good, that’s why I’m here. It feels like they don’t even care enough to adjust their small talk to fit the situation”

“Letting them know that we’re here to help reunite them with their family. If they have a court date letting them know. I usually have a calendar for them in their room to put information on it.”

Final Thoughts

The goal isn’t to be perfect—it’s to be kind, patient, and human. Whether it’s through snacks, silence, pets, or just leaving a nightlight on, every small gesture can help. If you’re ever unsure how to help a foster child feel comfortable, just imagine being in their shoes, and respond with compassion.

Remember: the first night is just the beginning, but how you handle it sets the tone for the days ahead.