We Asked Families What Advice They Would Give to New Foster Parents 

Welcoming a child into your home through foster care is an extraordinary act of love, but it also comes with challenges that require preparation, patience, and compassion. To offer guidance to those just starting their journey, we asked foster families, social workers, and former foster youth to share their advice for new foster parents. We’re sharing their advice with you to help you through this wonderful journey.

1. Understand Trauma and Behavior

Many stressed that behavior is a result of trauma, not just a child who is choosing to misbehave.

“Although you may be doing everything right and giving as much love, protection, and security as you can, traumatized children carry their trauma with them and this may cause them to act out in ways that are hard to understand when you feel you are doing everything possible to help them heal.”

“The behavior in some of these kids is not a choice. It’s a symptom of the injury and trauma that’s been inflicted on them. Foster care is about healing which is a lifelong journey.”

“Even in a safe space, poor behavior patterns may begin. It’s often a temporary phase…recognizing what they are and being patient are the key components to handling these behaviors, and understanding that children are just trying to adjust to a normal, healthy situation.”

Children might test boundaries or recreate the only environments they’ve known, even if those environments were harmful.

“Children may try and recreate the situations they were in, because it’s what they know. Our son would yell and scream that we needed to talk louder. He would say he hated calm, quiet talking.”

Adjust Your Expectations

“I think it’s important for foster parents to realize the asymmetry of the process. So many foster parents see their first placement as a wonderful day and an exciting day, where it’s scary, disconcerting and often very unwanted by the children.”

“Don’t expect kids to fall at your feet, grateful for opening your home to them when they walk in. If anything the win isn’t when they say ‘thank you,’ it’s when they feel safe enough to feel like [they’re living in] a normal house.”

“Kids aren’t going to be grateful you ‘took them in,’ nor should they be. So don’t expect it. Like I’ve heard many say before: it’s exciting for you, but it’s possibly one of the worst periods of their lives.”

“Don’t give up on a child/teen after the ‘honeymoon’ stage is over. Treat this child as if they were your own, show love, empathy and a lot of attention!”

The most valuable advice for new foster parents is to let go of any fantasy that your presence alone will fix everything. Instead, focus on building trust—slowly, consistently, and without condition.

Be Intentional With Inclusion

“Take pictures and frame them, put them on the wall, on your fridge, or on your desk. This makes them feel like a real person that someone wants to love them and include them!”

“Don’t treat your [biological] kids better than the foster kids.”

“Don’t use the word ‘foster child.’ They are children in the foster care system. The label ‘foster’ doesn’t belong on the child, it belongs on the care they’re receiving.”

Respect Their Identity

For transracial placements or placements involving cultural differences, intentional learning is important.

“I am trying to read lots of books from different cultures and perspectives, learning and caring about hair care and ethnicity.”

“I spent my life in the system. I’m 19 now, and being the only colored child in a family of 10 people made it hard to learn about my roots and who I was because they weren’t educated. But [they] also didn’t make a huge effort. So I started isolating more because when I would be around other people I wouldn’t know how to react, or what to say and I didn’t know anything…But they did know how to take care of my hair!” 

TL;DR, as one person said: 

“Make more of an effort to understand the child’s culture!”

Prepare for the Unexpected

One common piece of advice for new foster parents was to prepare—but not over-prepare.

“DON’T go crazy buying stuff – I can almost guarantee what you buy won’t be what you need. But some safe food choices for kids are usually mac & cheese, pb&j ingredients, even ramen or frozen pizza. I encourage them to eat what we have, but I also try to keep simple stuff at first while they’re settling in.”

“Keep basic items on hand: snacks, hygiene products, diapers, and OTC meds. The rest you can figure out as you go.”

Many families recommended keeping a “go bag” with essentials for last-minute placements, especially for infants.

“Many newborns/infant placements are very last minute. We always had diapers, formula, a carseat, and wipes ready to go asap. Urgent things need to be ready for the first 24 hours, and the next days are for getting non-urgent things you need like toys or onesies that fit their size.”

Build Empathy First

“As a former foster youth, foster parent, and social worker—building an empathetic connection with the child or youth is crucial! Without that no real change can happen!”

Connection is more important than control. Build trust through empathy, not just rules.

“Don’t be afraid to set some boundaries. I wouldn’t say lay out the rules on the first or even second night, but some things like bed times, curfews, chores, and such, are things you can’t be afraid to be firm with. Like, we always said our kids could have snacks but they had to eat whatever was on their plates first.”

Make Them Feel Special

“I always took my new placements to the store their first day so they could pick out snacks and other things they liked.”

Giving them new things instead of secondhand items, and respecting privacy goes a long way.

“Foster kids just want something that is their own. They have to share everything! Their rooms, their things, their story, their family…nothing is ever truly ever just theirs. Everything is so communal.” 

You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

“Don’t be afraid to reach out to your community. I’ve learnt over the years to talk to other parents, even ones that didn’t adopt, and got useful parenting advice.”

It’s Not Always Easy—But It’s Worth It

“You’re never going to be fully prepared for the wonderful insanity of parenthood, but you can be prepared enough.”

“It’s the most rewarding time you’ll ever have.”

“Helping these kids helps you too! You receive so much more than you give.”

“You may only be in their life for a season, but that season can change everything.”

“It’s definitely worth it, but it’s also going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done.”

Final Thoughts

The best advice for new foster parents comes straight from those who’ve lived it. It’s clear: love, empathy, and resilience matter more than perfection. Whether you’re welcoming your first child or just beginning to explore foster care, know this: 

You have the power to make a difference that lasts a lifetime.